Monday, 22 December 2008

Nurse Florence's Guide to a Healthy Christmas..


Hi medical students and fans of Nurse Florence's caring tips for Christmas. I am delighted to be able to help you out this festive season with a few simple tips for all you carers out there who may be saddled with a malingering good for naught hanging around your surgical gown as you are basting the turkey and preparing the mulled pies and minced wine.
Tip 1: A sharp clip to the back of the head with the (previously warmed) bedpan. More often than not this will teach the patient the error of their ways before any symptoms really emerge.
Tip 2: A good dose of laxative in the minced pies can remind the patient of the need to drink regularly and not to spend too long resting in any one place.
Tip 3: A raw chilli placed under the tongue (a good pretence is to prepare the patient with talk of a thermometer) will soon have the ne'redowell rushing around like a picture of health.
Tip 4: A critical one this, pay absolutely no attention whatsoever to the patient at any time. This is really vital as any fuss will merely prolong their problems. I find loud music and even leaving the room will help you in avoiding any eye contact or direct conversation. If you must converse limit yourself to sign language.
Remember, avoid any sympathy (as this only encourages them) and take care of yourself: liberal applications of food and wine are key to the really effective maintenance of medical care. I myself find a pint of sherry and a dozen mince pies helps one to care. Indeed sometimes one or two doses of this support and I almost forget the patient altogether.
So remember my tips students and critically... no sympathy!


Nurse Pickles assists

20 comments:

Sal said...

My other half must have been to the Nurse Florence school of 'I couldn't give a t*ss when my other half is ill'...cos he is well practised in all of what you advise...in fact,I would not be surprised if you had taught him personally.

Meanwhile,I hope the mince pies give you heartburn and the sherry makes you widdle all night long.
And if I ever clap eyes on you, the chilli will be pushed so hard in a certain place that your eyes will pop out and hang on the Christmas tree,bringing a whole new concept of vintage baubles to the Custard Christmas Tree.

Naturally, should I ever hear that you are ill I will pee myself with delight.
I think I have finished now..
;-)

BusyLizzie said...

As a fully trained Nightingale Nurse (got the badge to prove it from The Nightingale School of Nursing in London!)
I would like to add some advice from Sister Stanley who recommended a healthy selection of alcohol on her "Medicine rounds".. patients could choose from Guinness to a delicious Gin & Lime! (that one was sure to make them widdle!)

Mr Snippets said...

Oh God What ever have you done?
Did you not ever consider why I knit with one needle?
Did it not occur to you as to where the other one was

H M Government Health Warning

Ill considered blogs can shorten lives

Ragged Roses said...

My dear Nurse Flo, so good to see you out and about in the community again. May I just enquire as to the whereabouts of the patient, should I begin to worry? Judging by that grin on your face dear Flo, methinks you've been at the old night nurse again. Just one more thing, do you have the number for Ofsted?
Mxxx

cocoa and blankets said...

You have been talking to Mr Bricolage!!! Have a lovely christmas...love to you and yours..by the way...fab photo!! who says male nurses aren't sexy!!!

Dana and Daisy said...

Should we email Michele and alert her to change her password? It seems her blog has been hijacked again! lol!

Josie-Mary said...

Loving the tips Nurse Flo... I must remember them.... the sherry sounds good!!! I wanted to see Nurse Pickles.... he always steals the show!!! :)

bj said...

O M GOSH....you were THAT close to N.Cage.....???!!!! GREAT BALLS OF FIRE...I would have done more than spilled coffee down my shirt...oh, gosh..how exciting. and how I thank you for letting me know. I suspect that, since he has a home there now, you might run into him often...oh, dear...this old heart couldn't take it! hahaha...
Have a wonderful Christmas,
love, bj

The Thrifty Gluten-Free Mom said...

Would one of you local gals please stop by the Custard residence and make sure Mrs. Custard is alright.
Wendy

The Whispering Poppies said...

Oh my! I'm loving this post! I think your hubby needs to start his own blog, or at least have a weekly dedicated-post on your blog! heehee

LiLi M. said...

hahahaha!!

Sorry cannot speak of laughter otherwise I would wish you a very merry Christmas!

Rosie said...

Nurse Flo, matron will not be impressed when she sees your headdress. The starch is supposed to stiffen your hat and apron and is not a drink to make the patients keep still and quiet while you watch Flog It!
And as for Sister Pickles...

flutterbypatch said...

You are a hoot Mr Custard, better than any tonic from the doc (but I wouldn't want you as a nurse!) Thanks for making me smile. Eli

The Thrifty Gluten-Free Mom said...

Since none of the locals felt it necessary to make a house call at Chez Custard last night, I will have to assume that cross-dressing, torturing household pets by cramming them into costumes, and impersonating medical professionals is just some jolly, British holiday tradition and I won't be alarmed.
Culturally Confused in Ohio

Vintage Amethyst said...

Tee hee!
Merry Christmas
love
Alison
x

Country Cottage Chic said...

Righto! I'm on my round - I'm getting very worried about my dear friend being in the evil clutches of Nurse Flo while she is in such a fragile state!

A Saucerful Of Secrets said...

I'm speechless!!and I thought you were a very nice man.Where is our friend? what have you done to her? We are afraid,very very afraid....

Rosie said...

I hope you have told Mr Custard that when he is next ill you will be using the caring tips of Nurse Florence! I think the men in my family went to the same Nursing School.A Happy Healthy Christmas to the Custard household.x

funkymonkey said...

Please remind me never to be ill near Nurses Florence and Pickles!

Nostalgia at the Stone House said...

You two are so naughty! ;-))
Giggle...

Merry Christmas to the Custard household - fingers crossed that no one will be taken ill over the Christmas break - for all your sakes!

Festive hugs,
Niki x